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Well as you can imagine in these days of financial uncertainty, the forum avatar business isn't doing very well, thankfully I've got some cheap labour to offset the high production costs and maintain my pre-recessionary profits, take it away Alf...
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Alf the helper: Mr.elderly? sorry to bother you, but any chance of restoring Sunday food rations ?
Elderly: Let's see how quickly these beauties go first
Alf the helper: But mr.elderly you promised that once th....
Elderly: Yes yes, I'll speak to the accountant
Alf the helper: Thank you mr.elderly
Elderly: Alf before you rustle up the next batch, could you find a final resting place for Sheamus
Alf the helper: The leprechaun?
Elderly: No Sheamus the marsupial! ...of course the leprechaun!! he's been hanging round here long enough, and it's just a little freaky seeing his posts in my top 5 when his corpse is lying in my sitting room.
Alf the helper: Okay mr.elderly :(
(Alf drags the leprechaun's body down to the cellar)
45 comments:
Not the cellar please. I am busy there. Come Frida, I'll give you a Jensen avatar.
Alf!!! move the leprechaun, Gnome is on his way down...
..that came out wrong :(
Alf lifts the leprechaun on his shoulders and heads to the power generator. In the distance he can hear the approach of a lighning storm.
Little does he know the gods of destiny will soon change his life and the destiny of the Elderly Gamer for ever.......
Uhm. excuse me narrator dear, could I have the brief version please. Frida you see is all tied up and waiting and I wouldn't want her waiting for she is German, and Germans don't like waiting (nor paying up).
8(
(takes out prepared script..faces the audience)
We'd like to apologise to all our German viewers who were offe..... intollerant or racist....any depiction of financial impropriety... challenged individual... get to know him....we hope that such donation to the German blog viewer association.. this unfortunat matter...Thank you!
(turns to look at Gnome, reads narrators comments...)
I leave for less than 24hrs and look what happens...
AlFFFFF! prepare the cellar for Gnome and Frida, make sure the wine flows smoothly...
Narrator what are you doing to me?
Don't look at me like that!! As Blog Narrator I have the right to use artistic licence when it's required,
If you weren't so flahooluc with this place perhaps you'd have noticed that the signs before I had to say something
Gnome there is no short version, what will come to pass, will come to pass....
....and to think I could be working for Alexa as a search commentator!!! sigh!
What signs? what will come to pass?
have you been drinking again?
Hey where'd he go?
Alf!!!!
(watches the plot unfold; is definitely mesmerized; can't wait to be transferred to the cellar)
Oh, and I was indeed referring to the CDU voters of course.
:( oh crap...
(drops hot coffee....searches for CDU script)
We would like to apoligise...East Germany...political persuasion..
? ...oops wrong script,
(throws old East German CDU script in trashbin, finds current version)
..right where were we.. yes
On behalf of the all God fearing Germans everywhere.... how could a Gnome possibly...views expressed...Ratchet and Clunk solicitors...thank you!
(eyes Gnome and Blog Narrator carefully...)
Alright speak up one of ye, I know ye two are planning something, well I'm not going to fall for it... what's with all the theatrics then?
..All I can say is, a change is going to come, like a cold wind blowing through the erm... darkness of space....yes siree a change is gonna come!!!
What change, what wind, explain yourself...
Allllfff!!! Gnome hasn't got his wine yet and Frida is not going to wait til she draws her pension
Sorry bout this Gnome...:(
(heads off to find Alf...)
I'm frankly and very deeply confused. Some wine and Frida would be very much appreciated...
Now, what was I scheming?
..(renters dragging Alf by the hair....)
...as was I dear Gnome, but apparently Alf went and misplaced the leprechaun.... or more precisely the leprechaun's body has gone missing...
8( Fridaaaa!!!! you don't thnk!!!
Nah...
I'll go look for the leprechaun.
(wears fedora)
:) hey like the Fedora, very ..erm exotc...
(rearming his +8 bolt gun, elderly heads off to make a cup of tea..)
>FOLLOW ELDERLY
?
(waiting for the kettle to boil, elderly heads for the toilet...)
>UNFOLLOW ELDERLY
>WATCH KETTLE
..(takes out notebook entitled "Gnomes", jots down "how to get gnomes to stop following you!, closes notebook..returns to Gnome..)
..you know what they say a watched kettle never boils...
(several hours later....)
maybe we should switch it on?
Aha!
And lol. We silly we. Or is it us silly us. Or, well, I'll switch it on and then we watch it boil. Hopefully.
:) I'm with you on this one.... I love it when we work together to solve problems like this....
..(folds arms and waits for kettle to boil....)
Exciting times indeed!
(checks watch... looks at Gnome..)
...beats playing them boring old video games any day.. yesirreee..
(whistles...)
(whistles and smiles and subtly changes the subject)
New teeth?
:) no I just left them a little longer in the denture mix..the used some gloss white paint.. effective.. though they taste a little funny..
(whistles....stares at kettle)
...erm...
wanna play rock paper scissors?
YES!
Here goes...
(rock)
(rock)...
darn, okay 1,2,3....
(paper)
Drats!
(kettle begins to bubble slightly)
right two draws, best of five..
(scissors...)
(paper)
Hehehe!
Oh...
...phew, that was close... still 2 games left, you still have a chance..
right let's see
two draws, Elderly 1 Gnome 0
(stares at barely bubbling kettle..)
think we should order in some coffee while we're waiting..?
Yes please. And cookies. And maybe play something else. Say, how about Stratego?
Stratego.. just gotta hone up on some of the rules.... You set up the board and please bear with me a little while...
(..several hours later)
..okay I've ordered the cookies and coffee, honed up on the Stratego rules...
(kettle picks up a pace, however only little wisps of steam are blowing throught the spout..)
..sigh! bloody imports..
(ciffee and cookies arrive and the pair settle down for the evening...)
Why, that's what I call hospitality.
(takes of shoes, wears slippers)
(also, has a cookie)
(looks curiously and intently at Stratego board)
Where do the batteries go, pray remind me...
this is one of the earlier models, no batteries
(picks up piece extends arm, places piece on further along board towards Gnome's army...)
see.... :)
think pre interactive fiction circe 1945, your huddled in the lantern's glow, no tv, no radio and
(takes last cookie...)
no food... :)
(kettle begins to simmer....)
Ah, I 'member.
The era of the roaring ladies. Or was that twenties.
Anyway.
Let's try this non-digital version then...
kay :)
your turn...
(kettle begins to boil...)
But I have no access to steampunk devices...
;( Gnome concetrate it'll be days yet before the water reaches steam producing temperature...
(stares intently at the board, awaiting Gnomes next move...)
(eats a piece)
Tadah!
What the!!!
You can't do that!! , that's.. it's not...
(grabs rulebook...pours through subsections to discover transgression and penalty...)
:(
it dosen't say anything about eating pieces, but this can't be..
(grabs two of Gnomes pieces and shoves them in his mouth, begins to chew...)
..don't you even think of choking!!!
Gulp!...
:) hey!! Belgian chocolate!!
but Gnome how did you know?
(kettle start to boil...)
Tea?
Tea!
Tea it is... :D oh the wonders of electricity, just to think you can boil water remotely.... amazing..
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